I decided to write this series of articles in order to share my experience and struggle with HOCD and sexual confusion. I do so with the only interest and motivation that it might help others who are also struggling around this or similar issues. Even though I am no doctor, psychologist or therapist I believe I have a unique understanding and perspective around the suffering, confusion and shame that someone can experience as a result of obsessive thoughts and internal conflict around sexual identity. I also believe I can propose a roadmap to healing that could benefit others who want to find peace and move forward with their lives. I know this is a bold claim. It comes from what I lived, not from a license, a clinic, or a study. I moved past HOCD and the obsessive doubt around sexual confusion and believe others can as well.
What I offer is an argument and my testimony. An argument and testimony from someone who spent years inside a question that would not resolve (20+ years!), tried the usual therapies and treatments, and eventually left the question behind.
I understand sexual orientation is a complex and delicate subject. This series of articles does not in any way intend to pass judgment on anyone struggling with sexual confusion or who have decided to embrace a gay, queer, bisexual or different lifestyle. On the contrary it advocates for deep compassion for people in this predicament. However, I will say upfront that my own healing journey has led me to an understanding of this delicate topic that is at odds with the current cultural narrative and some people might take offense from it. I understand that and again can only reiterate my intent is to share my story in the hope that it helps people in similar predicaments. If you find my views offensive I hope you can at least acknowledge that it comes from a real and lengthy struggle and I accept other people have other views. The views I developed come from a deep and lengthy process of discovery and introspection. Moreover, I found my realizations and insights resonate with many other people struggling with OCD and/or some variation of sexual struggle as well as with insights and theories of authors and clinicians who have studied the subject in depth. Many of those authors however have been criticized or banned by the current scientific establishment for purely political reasons and falsely accused of outdated or hateful theories. When I started reading them I found not only they weren't outdated nor hateful but they accurately described much of what I was experiencing. I then also found that I wasn't alone in this appreciation.
I will share my story raw. Unfiltered in many ways. I do that intentionally so that people can relate and connect to my story. I understand it might be triggering to some readers but I have found that part of the healing journey is about normalizing your story and sharing with trusted people in order to counter the shame we carry. Names of other people, if they appear, are changed. Theories are summarized.
I would love to know if you find these articles helpful or they resonate. Also happy to answer specific questions or debate different points of view within a respectful exchange.