When I returned home from travelling abroad I tried to get on with my life. I now had a map in which to rely to navigate my confusion and anxiety. It was an incomplete map but it was something to hold on to. The main assumption under which I operated was that I was struggling with HOCD. My questions and internal struggles were just that: OCD. I now had a roadmap to build tolerance to my anxiety and inner struggles. While perhaps tackle some other potential areas of improvement around my personality which were related to an OCD type personality. That meant becoming more assertive. Less sensitive to others opinions. Speaking my mind. Be less of a people pleaser. Among others... As for the specific sexual fantasies the playbook was to basically ignore them.
As I write this now it's almost hard to believe everything that has happened in basically the last 20 years since the initial “incident” where I could not get an erection. During that time I finished college. Started working (Which was a hugely positive experience and challenge). Finished an MBA. Started my own business. Had several girlfriends. Struggled with ROCD. Got engaged. Canceled the wedding. Tried various types of therapy. Got married eventually. Became a Father. Tried psychedelics. Joined a men’s group and had an intensive weekend retreat of psychodrama. As all of this happened I had minor and major crisis regarding my sexual orientation confusion. At times I would feel confident in both my life and around women and my sexuality. At times I would feel insecure, small, weak and uncertain about my sexuality. I started noticing a pattern however. Whenever I felt confident, desirable, successful my same sex and bizarre sexual fantasies would diminish and in many instances almost disappear. Whenever I felt rejected, failing, weak they would come back to the forefront.
As I previously mentioned Sexual confusion might be a result of HOCD and purely obsessive thought patterns. However, it might also be the result of genuine sexual attractions, fantasies or even dreams that lead to one’s questioning of his sexual identity or orientation.
Perhaps now is a good time to go into more detail regarding what exactly was the confusion about. First I want to remind everyone this is my particular story. Perhaps parts of it resonate and parts don't. What I ask of you is not to focus too much on the details. Part of what I would later propose focuses more on the commonalities around Same Sex Attraction. Yes, it varies and its perhaps more or less ingrained or exclusive for some but still I do propose there is a way forward regardless. No. Its not easy as growing as a person generally isn't but from my perspective its also the most rewarding journey you can embark on. I know this is controversial territory but again I am just sharing my story and my findings.
So back to the topic at hand. My confusion arose from the fact that starting at 14-15 years of age I started experiencing a strong yet infrequent pull towards a very specific same sex fantasy. Now I am going to get explicit here but I do so in the spirit of transparency and also to show you that part of the healing journey is to talk openly about these issues and lose the shame and fear associated with it. My fantasy was a very specific sexual scenario in which I would give oral sex to a man. Previously I had always been aroused exclusively by heterosexual porn. And suddenly it at times felt as if I was identifying more with the woman on the screen enjoying herself while performing oral sex to a usually strong well endowed man. First time it happened I got scared and quickly dismissed it. However, when the same fantasy started popping up in my dreams (wet dreams) I started to become more and more worried. What's going on with me! Is it possible that I am Gay?? Shhh, don't even say that. Shut up. You are not gay! You like girls! (I did). Still it was very puzzling that every now and then I would get these urges and dreams around this specific sexual fantasy.
Strangely enough, even at that age, a part of me had the intuition that part of the problem was how different I felt from my peers. How a part of me felt different and less than them. Less strong, less tall, less assertive, less attractive (This negative comparison and perception I have found through both friends and the literature is a common theme for people struggling with this issue.) My solution at the time? We are going to work extra hard to fit in. Belong. Get a girl. Be assertive. In other words I started a civil war within. A part of me was feeling neglected, incapable, unseen, unchosen, sad. A part of me reacted by deciding to bury him deeper and work on being a “Man”. This mode of being only deepened the pain within. I felt exhausted and was always searching and searching for the one thing that would finally make me feel like my friends. What was that? A sexual experience with a girl. That would surely finally make me feel like a man!
This is the set up that I had built while travelling abroad. I was travelling abroad to find a girl and have a sexual experience! I wasn't looking for a relationship or intimacy. I was just selfishly looking for an object that could make me feel like a man once and for all. This is the context then in which I finally met a girl at a bar and a few hours later was getting ready to have sex with. Except I couldn't get an erection! The part of me I had neglected had other plans. He was still feeling nervous, pressured, tense. I had decided to ignore him so he shot down. And by doing so he shut down my sexual energy and libido. I know this now but what I want to convey is the confusion of a 20 year old having just experienced a “failure” and all of the pent up energy and confusion and questioning I had repressed suddenly erupting into consciousness. I could no longer deny there was something wrong with my sexuality. That was when the OCD initially spiked. And again I am thankful to have received the help I got. It was a very vulnerable time for me and perhaps had I fallen accidentally into a therapist with a more “liberal” worldview perhaps my life would have been different.
Still, while the OCD addressed part of the issue there was always this lingering question on the back of my mind. What about my fantasy? I could be feeling great for a period of time and all of a sudden a dream would remind me that I still needed to contend with this part of myself.
As I pushed forward in life trying to become a “man” and burying this other in me the split became more and more violent. As it did the fantasies increased in frequency, unwanted dreams gave way to porn use where I started exploring my fantasy more “consciously” and getting more and more hooked in porn and feeling confused. I eventually discovered transsexual porn and it was like a lightning bulb for me. It was raw. It was mind bending. It was a beautiful girl with a penis. And it allowed me to play out my fantasy while still feeling “attracted” to girls. Yes, I know how weird that sounds. All the while I felt more and more shame and disconnected from my self. I eventually reached a crisis point and decided to get help. Radical help.